Day 10 Rock on!

Day 10 Friday night 5-12-06
Day 4 No Milk

I let Alex take a pretty good nap today about 2 hours so that we could extend his bedtime in order to attend the Hope Community Church benefit concert for Africa. The concert was AWESOME... I love a full on worship experience. I use to be able to sing and when I had my tonsils taken out at 23 my voice totally changed and well now.. I just like to pretend I can sing. Luckily, no one at church seems to mind except I do notice fewer and fewer people sitting near me. Humph..........

Oh yeah back to Alex, anyway he was EXHAUSTED upon our arrival home at 10:00pm. He climbed into bed and without so much of a word was OUT! Even in his bed if you can imagine...... We shall see how long he stays down! Lets pray for an all nighter!!!!

3:13pm - SOOO close... Alex woke me up crying, standing in the threshold of his room not crossing our "towel" gate. I got up and he had moved his pillow and blanket to the floor. When he saw me he said "Mama I tried" and started crying even harder. God Love my only son.... I gave him a hug and fixed his blankets and am now in the waiting chamber.

I have to admit I cried today. Emotionally I am a mess. Lack of sleep, my monthly friend, and this sleep lady "stuff" has just sent me over the edge. Alex is the only child I am ever going to have. This is not by choice but God's will. I respect that yet it tears at my heart. As much as I hate the all night snuggling, I CRAVE that all night snuggling. I yearn it as much as he does. I don't want it to end because that means he is growing up and might not "need" me anymore. When Alex was first born and struggling for life they told us he might not make it 24hrs. I wasn't a Christian then nor had ever been taught how to pray yet I prayed. I begged God to have mercy on my son and me. I told this tiny 3lb infant in no uncertain terms he was a fighter. I demanded he survive to beat all the odds he was given JUST as his Mama had done. I told hospital staff NO ONE was to say anything negative about Alex near Alex. No bad reports, no wavering thoughts, nothing..... I wanted him surrounded in positive energy. We went from wanting him to live 1 hour, to 24hrs, to 1 week, to 1 month, to counting down the days to his first birthday. My son, my stubborn, high energy, willful, loud, loving, emotional, sweet, honest son beat every odd he was ever given and then some. Alex is God's gift to me. God sent me Alex to teach me his power, his faith, his grace. It is soooo incredibly hard for Rick and I to explain to people exactly what that first year of Alex's life was like. For them to fully understand WHY we almost panic at the thought of him NOT waking us up. From heart monitor alarms blaring at 2am, to Brain MRI's, asthma attacks, severe reflux, colic, ear infections, apnea, upper GI's, lower GI's, ear surgery, more blood draws on his feet than anyone should have to go through, blood transfusions, CAT scans, and lets not forget my 12 months of pumping milk every 3 hours!
SO seeing even a glimpse of this you think so isn't it high time you got 8 hours of straight sleep?? YES.. It is... YES I am THRILLED my son might actually be able to do this. But deep down in the lower part of my heart is a tiny crack that is scared.... scared he might have yet another medical fight as to why he can't do this. And... I too am addicted to him as much as he is addicted to us. Sigh... It is the largest double edge sword. It's late, he's asleep and I am a rambling emotional mess, for that, I am sorry! 3:32pm.. Guess I should try and sleep or maybe I should just sit outside Alex's room, watch him sleep and thank God for my awesome awesome gift.