Go Alex Go!!!

Day 13 Monday Night 5-15-06
Day 2 No Milk!

Well we had a GREAT day today! We celebrated Alex's break through last night with a trip to Tuscaloosa with Alex's best friend Alexander and his Mommy Cindy. We went to Chuck E Cheese and the boys got to play. They were both really excited. We continued the talk all day about why today was an exciting day. Alex called several people and told them all the wonderful news. THANK YOU to my personal prayer warriors... You know who you are! I could NOT have done this without you. Our battle is not over but we are feeling rejuvenated and back ready to fight. Please continue to keep Alex in your prayers.

8:25pm - Went down with ease, no arguing or crying!

8:40pm - I never went in to check on him after walking out and he was quiet the entire time. Just went to peek in and he was OUT cold! Yippee!

1:30am - Woke up to pee (need to teach my body not to do this anymore), checked on Alex and he was fast asleep!!

5:08am - YES!! He slept till 5:00 without waking! He woke up stayed in bed.... And cried for about 3 minutes with Rick and I coaching him from the bed. He finally quieted down and went back to sleep.

6:00am - He yelled from his bed "the sun is up Mama, can I come to your room now?", We told him yes! He came and slept in bed with us and had his morning milk.

I'm almost afraid to get too excited...... Yet I can't help but pray this is a new trend!!

Happy Mother's Day

Day 12 - Sunday Night 5-14-06
Day 1 AGAIN......... Of no milk! Sigh...

First let me just say how disappointed I am for giving Alex milk last night. I am just disappointed...

My son gave me several gifts today. The biggest one was not giving me to much grief at bed time. He took a good 2 hour night.

8:10pm - We said good night, with only a few tears and pleas.

8:20pm - Still awake, playing in bed

8:30pm - Alex came into hallway, crying, complaining the bed sheets were cold. I took him back to bed, he choose to sleep on the floor. And I left him there.

9:00pm - Asleep!

9:20pm - I picked him up and moved him to his bed... He didn't even flinch!

3:05am - I woke up needing to pee, got up shocked that Alex had not gotten up. I peeked in his room and he was asleep in his bed.

4:20am - Alex woke up crying but stayed in his room and Rick yelled... Alex your okay go back to sleep, he cried for another minute and I yelled Alex baby were right here get your Batman, and Chuckie and count your sheep, he cried for 30 seconds and was quiet

OMG........... He NEVER got out of bed and neither did I!!!

6:10am - Alex came running into our room yelling.. "I DID IT, I DID IT, I slept like a big boy" Hallelujah!!!! God is GOOD!

My son.. My baby.. DID IT!!!!! I am just so proud of him. Funny.. I am exhausted because my body suddenly realized it was getting sleep. I know he may not do it again tonight but know we know he CAN do it, and more importantly HE knows he can do it!

The definition of THIS Mother

The definition of this mother today is.............. TIRED, Exhausted, worn out, sleep-less, baggy eyes, dark circles, tuckered out!!!!

Sigh...........

Alex took a 2 hour nap, falling asleep in the car on the way home from church......... praying he has a better night tonight!

What does the word Mother mean??

According to Dictionary.com it means:

1. A woman who conceives, gives birth to, or raises and nurtures a child.
2. A female parent of an animal.
3. A female ancestor.
4. A woman who holds a position of authority or responsibility similar to that of a mother: a den mother.
5. Roman Catholic Church.
   1. A mother superior.
   2. Used as a form of address for such a woman.
6. A woman who creates, originates, or founds something: “the discovery of radium, which made Marie Curie mother to the Atomic Age” (Alden Whitman).
7. A creative source; an origin: Philosophy is the mother of the sciences.
8. Used as a title for a woman respected for her wisdom and age.
9. Maternal love and tenderness: brought out the mother in her.
10. The biggest or most significant example of its kind: the mother of all battles.
11. Vulgar Slang. Something considered extraordinary, as in disagreeableness, size, or intensity.

Pure Exhaustion..............

Day 11 Saturday Night 5-13-06
Day 5 No MILK!

7:30pm - Alex had a hard day of playing with his friend Alexander. Twice he fell asleep in the car only to have us wake him up due to it being too late to take a nap yet to early for bed. Needless to say he was an OFFICIAL mess by bedtime. His sleep window had long since past. He ended up moving to the floor and crying until I went in and got angry with him and put him in his bed. He then cried for 10 minutes and finally fell asleep. I HATE that he went to sleep crying. Makes me feel like a horrible Mommy. Sigh..... Guess kinda is my fault for not letting him get a nap. I wonder if our night is going to be bad now???
8:00pm Alex is finally asleep,'

1:06am - Is it really only 1am? Feels like I should be getting some help yet none is appearing. Alex stood in his doorway screaming yet never crossed. Wanted milk and numerous other things I could not bring. I left with him still crying although quiet now! I think I am typing in my sleep too!

12:25am - Yes I just went backwards in time... Turns out I slept straight through one of Alex's many wakings this evening. Rick said he was sitting in his bed crying and crying. Once he realized I was not getting up he got up and talked to Alex and then left him in his room crying for about another 15 seconds before he went back to sleep.

4:00am - Okay so umm yeah exhaustion for some = passing out and not moving. Exhaustion for Alex = being up all night. Which means hell for Mom and Dad! BOY are we paying the price for today. Alex is a MESS!!!!!! Now 4:36am he has been up and down crying, screaming, and just sobbing. First he wanted milk... Sigh... I gave in! I was worried he was hungry (back to day one again). LOSER, sucker, I fell for it.. He drank 3/4 of a cup and was done. PLUS didn't go to sleep! Then he was cold in his bed. I gave him blankets and he said I don't want to lay in this cold bed (imagine the most sobbing pitiful voice ever, the kind of voice that rips out a mamma's heart and throws it on the floor). I asked him where he wanted to lay and he said on you... Where it's warm! UGH...................................... My lovely reaction? I got mad. Sigh... I told him he was being a crazy boy and needed to close his eyes and go to sleep or I was going to spank him. Rick got up then and intervened. He got us to pray and we stroked Alex. Just when I thought he was asleep. BOOM.... Still no sleep. His is STILL in there awake but quiet at least. I am banging my head against a wall here. I am just frustrated with him! Ugh....................... What will make my little boy sleep????
4:45am - he appears asleep for now.......................

*** Additional note to say there were numerous wake ups in here not listed! I was so out of it I couldn't even note the time on the clock or sit at the computer. We were up every hour all night long!

Day 10 Rock on!

Day 10 Friday night 5-12-06
Day 4 No Milk

I let Alex take a pretty good nap today about 2 hours so that we could extend his bedtime in order to attend the Hope Community Church benefit concert for Africa. The concert was AWESOME... I love a full on worship experience. I use to be able to sing and when I had my tonsils taken out at 23 my voice totally changed and well now.. I just like to pretend I can sing. Luckily, no one at church seems to mind except I do notice fewer and fewer people sitting near me. Humph..........

Oh yeah back to Alex, anyway he was EXHAUSTED upon our arrival home at 10:00pm. He climbed into bed and without so much of a word was OUT! Even in his bed if you can imagine...... We shall see how long he stays down! Lets pray for an all nighter!!!!

3:13pm - SOOO close... Alex woke me up crying, standing in the threshold of his room not crossing our "towel" gate. I got up and he had moved his pillow and blanket to the floor. When he saw me he said "Mama I tried" and started crying even harder. God Love my only son.... I gave him a hug and fixed his blankets and am now in the waiting chamber.

I have to admit I cried today. Emotionally I am a mess. Lack of sleep, my monthly friend, and this sleep lady "stuff" has just sent me over the edge. Alex is the only child I am ever going to have. This is not by choice but God's will. I respect that yet it tears at my heart. As much as I hate the all night snuggling, I CRAVE that all night snuggling. I yearn it as much as he does. I don't want it to end because that means he is growing up and might not "need" me anymore. When Alex was first born and struggling for life they told us he might not make it 24hrs. I wasn't a Christian then nor had ever been taught how to pray yet I prayed. I begged God to have mercy on my son and me. I told this tiny 3lb infant in no uncertain terms he was a fighter. I demanded he survive to beat all the odds he was given JUST as his Mama had done. I told hospital staff NO ONE was to say anything negative about Alex near Alex. No bad reports, no wavering thoughts, nothing..... I wanted him surrounded in positive energy. We went from wanting him to live 1 hour, to 24hrs, to 1 week, to 1 month, to counting down the days to his first birthday. My son, my stubborn, high energy, willful, loud, loving, emotional, sweet, honest son beat every odd he was ever given and then some. Alex is God's gift to me. God sent me Alex to teach me his power, his faith, his grace. It is soooo incredibly hard for Rick and I to explain to people exactly what that first year of Alex's life was like. For them to fully understand WHY we almost panic at the thought of him NOT waking us up. From heart monitor alarms blaring at 2am, to Brain MRI's, asthma attacks, severe reflux, colic, ear infections, apnea, upper GI's, lower GI's, ear surgery, more blood draws on his feet than anyone should have to go through, blood transfusions, CAT scans, and lets not forget my 12 months of pumping milk every 3 hours!
SO seeing even a glimpse of this you think so isn't it high time you got 8 hours of straight sleep?? YES.. It is... YES I am THRILLED my son might actually be able to do this. But deep down in the lower part of my heart is a tiny crack that is scared.... scared he might have yet another medical fight as to why he can't do this. And... I too am addicted to him as much as he is addicted to us. Sigh... It is the largest double edge sword. It's late, he's asleep and I am a rambling emotional mess, for that, I am sorry! 3:32pm.. Guess I should try and sleep or maybe I should just sit outside Alex's room, watch him sleep and thank God for my awesome awesome gift.

Day 9 sleep Glorious sleep!

Day 9 - Thursday Night 5-10-06
Night 3 No Milk

After the whole long nap thing today we extended bed time.. With a hyper child it was interesting.

9:13pm - said good night and he quickly moved his pillow to the floor. Why in God's green earth does my child want to sleep on the floor? Quiet until right this very minute... Faking a cough.. He's so dramatic! Went in checked on him and told him to go to sleep. 9:22pm

10:00pm - STILL awake but mostly quiet on floor by doorway, yawning and moaning occasionally to let me know he's still there.

10:20pm - Awake.. And moaning....

10:30pm - Asleep - legs across threshold, held on pillow on his knees butt up in air. Is that seriously comfortable? We moved him to his bed!

1:21am - And here I sit once again... Does he not realize he has only been asleep for 3 hours? Came into my bed room and when asked why he was there he said he wanted to lay with me. WHERE has he been for the last 9 nights? Has he learned NOTHING??........ grrrr... Back to his room we shuffle.. He grabs his pillow and back to the floor he goes! Why do we as parents bother spending money on beds?

5:12am- Woke crying (still on floor) but never got up just got loud. I got up and told him he only had an hour till the sun came up and to go back to sleep. He cried loudly he wanted milk in the dark. LOL... I said no.. He got louder. I walked away........ He cried for another minute. I stated in a stern voice from computer chair. "GO TO SLEEP, ALEX". Cried for another 30 seconds and is quiet now..... We shall see!

6:15am - Rick was getting to walk out the door and Alex got up in our bed and asked for Milk of all things if you can imagine...... So since the sun was officially up he stayed in bed with me 1/2 sleeping 1/2 driving me crazy.

Day 9 and he STLL got up 2x!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When will this maddness stop? sigh........................

My Sleep Quandary!

It seems I am in a sleep quandary. Everywhere I turn people are talking about their sleep habits or their children's sleep habits. It's amazing how focused we become on something and soon it's all we are hearing. Today I walked into a restaurant to order lunch and sure enough there on the news blazing for the entire world to see "When should children leave their parents bed". I wanted to slam my head on the counter. Dear lord people Don't DO IT!!!! I NEVER would have dreamed about taking a perfectly normal healthy infant into our bed to make it a "family bed". Alex and his heart monitor sang a different tune. I have decided to warn all pregnant woman to NEVER say while watching another Mommy in action "I will NEVER do that". Because By golly that is EXACTLY what you will be doing 2 years from now. Become a Mother makes you do the most insane things. For example would you ever ever imagine cupping your hands to catch throw up just to make your clean up job a little easier? Or sleeping straight up in a recliner for nights on end while your infant struggles to digest his milk and vomits on you again and again? How about using your t-shirt as a tissue while your child is playing in the park? And of course my personal favorite who in their right mind would ever say oh yeah I am going to get up every 3 hours and stick to horns to my breasts and pump milk out of them as if your someone's personal cow. Yeah me too..... Yet I have done every single one of these things and then some I am not daring enough to list. Kids... They make parents do the most insane things.

Today when I went to pick Alex up from school the teacher came out and said he was a dead log on his nap mat. WHAT! Seriously? She told me he was complaining all day how tired he was and crashed at nap time. WOW.. He's been going to school here since September and this has never happened before. So I go in and pick him up thinking he would wake up and whoa... He didn't. Into the car and he barely even lifted his head. He really was tired. We got home and it is gorgeous out today so I opened my house door and the van door and let him sleep. I kept expecting him to walk in any minute. Nope... Finally I went out and picked him up thinking this will wake him for sure! Yeah.. Not so much. He slept from 1 to 5:30! And that is with me moving him 2x! My poor baby. First let me just say this is VERY unusual. Whoa... I don't know if it's just from us changing his sleep pattern.. Finally sleeping better thus his body wants more? Getting sick?? I just don't know!!! Normally I would have never let him do this but it was so rare and he was so out... I figured he must REALLY need it.

Tonight I will push his bedtime back some so that it can adjust from this long long nap! We forced him awake and he still wanted to sleep more. Bed time is going to be really interesting............................

Day 8 the next test!

Day 8 Sleep Shuffle Wednesday Night 5-10-06
Night 2 NO MILK!

8:20pm - Kissed good night and told him I would sit at my computer and before I could say more he asked if I would check on him every 5 minutes. LOL.. I agreed I would and left with him fussing at me.

8:26pm - Amazing how quickly he picks up a new sleep crutch for an old one! He cried and wanted me to again to sit just outside the door. I told him he's a big boy and I am right down the hall and he can do it. I again kissed him good night.

8:38pm - I turned my head and saw Alex laying silently right outside his door with his pillow and blanket staring at me. We made an agreement that he could lay on his floor but was NOT allowed to leave his room. I rolled up a towel and told him that was his gate, that if he crossed it without permission I would get the real gate out from storage. He took his pillow, blanket and dog and made a bed right behind the towel. Kissed him good night...... Again..............

8:46pm - Alex yells out "Mama I can't fluff my blanket to cover my feet help me". I walk in cover him up and tell him to go to sleep.

9:08pm - Went to check on floor, awake but quiet! We exchanged no words...

9:30pm - Asleep on floor, I picked him up and moved him to his bed. He did not wake up!

12:26am - Alex comes into my room, I walk him back he begs to me to lay on the floor. I repeat go to sleep I'll come check on you in 5 minutes.

5:00am - I cannot believe he actually slept until now! It's a miracle. Spent about 1 min. Crying about wanting milk until Rick yelled from his bed "Alex your okay". It's been silent since then. He told me milk and the sun do not go together. LOL....

Day 7 yet it feels like Day 1

Day 7 sleep shuffle.... Tuesday Night 5-9-06
Day 1 No Milk!

Once again we went through our routine... And I took my place just outside the door.. I was beyond tired and actually fell asleep there waiting for Alex to fall asleep. He fussed some about wanting Daddy but I held my ground. Rick got me up at about 8:40 asking me if I now preferred the floor to our bed. I had to laugh as I am starting to not care where I sleep as long as I sleep. I crawled into bed and was out! I slept uneasy with a lot of wakings.. I kept looking at the clock thinking oh God he's going to wake me up any minute.. I need to sleep! 3:00 and he did wake me up with a quick tap on my shoulder. He took my hand and back to bed he went.. He told me once again he wanted Milk and I explained he couldn't have milk until the sun came up! I offered him water and he freaked, screaming at me. I told him I was sorry, I loved him, and that he could do this. And took my place on the floor.... Only I couldn't sleep... So I sat at my computer! LOL... 30 minutes later he was up again! Same thing...... This time I laid on the floor.. He cried for about 5 minutes and quieted down... Then asleep. 30 minutes later again only louder this time... I got up and told him he needed to go to sleep that the sun would not come up faster by crying! I gave him his snuggly dog and went back to my spot in the hallway. Once I knew he was asleep I went to bed at about 4:30. He got in bed with us at 6:20, he got milk and the two of us slept until 7:45.

It's going to get better right??

I am at the section in the Good Night sleep tight book about medical issues. Sadly out of all the issues listed we have dealt with 5 of the 9 issues! Reflux, Colic, Asthma, Ear infections, Apnea, and most likely ADHD which 2 doctors have said they feel he has. I worry that he will need a sleep study that in a month we will STILL be doing this. If so.. I will call his doctor and get a sleep study done and more testing. BUT I truly am trying to remain positive on this!!

Today - Wednesday 5-10-06

Nap was a BREEZE! I am almost afraid at how easy it was. I laid him in his bed with his milk (he can still have it for nap time), I told him I was going to be at my computer and in 5 minutes I would come check on him. That he needed to stay in his bed! He cried some and I assured him I would be right here! After 5 minutes I went back and he was laying there, eyes open, but IN BED without a sound. I reassured him from the door that he was a good boy and I would be right here and come back in 5 minutes. When I went back he was ASLEEP!
To make sure he doesn't sleep too long I'll wake him up at 3:30!

Pray for us!

I HATE the sleep Lady!

Day 6 - Monday Night 5-8-06 With no nap today Alex was TIRED! Bedtime was 8:00 sharp with me barely even sitting outside in the hallway. He was out in minutes. YIPPEE............... I too was exhausted but had to finish preparing everything for our last Mops meeting the next day. I ended up falling into bed at 10:30. Alex got up 3x during the night after the first 2 of bouncing him back into bed and laying on the floor, when he came in the 3rd time I never even heard him! Rick got up with him and LUCKILY followed all my rules putting him back into bed and laying in the hallway. BUT he did give him milk! Sigh.... He stayed in bed till all of 6:15! Then got up and acted like it was time to run around my bed! Sigh.......................... Will he EVER sleep all night????????

I told Rick that was IT NO MORE MILK!!!! NONE until the sun came up!!!! Gotta pull the plug.

Day 5

Day 5 - Sunday Night 5-7-06 Alex took a nap today but again had a hard time going down as we missed the sleep window. Sigh... We let him sleep for only an hour and then woke him up. Luckily my little neighbor came over so it jolted Alex awake.

Bedtime went much better than the night before.. And he was out in 40 minutes just in time for me to catch Grey's Anatomy! He did fairly well waking only 3 times during the night and going back each time, yet demanding milk. I ended up giving the milk around 4:30ish.

I am starting to think I am going to have to demand no milk. He is FAR to old to be drinking milk at night and it's just not healthy. I think it's a crutch and something his body is trained to think it needs like a pacifier or a special blanket. I think the smack down is quickly coming on this.....................

Night 4 - the slide....

Day 4 - Saturday Night 5-6-06 We went to Market Street today so when we arrived home this afternoon Alex was exhausted yet refused to nap. He took forever to settle down over an hour. In fact I ended up falling asleep on the floor before he fell asleep, But hey at least it was in the hallway and not in his bed!! Rick was outside working and didn't realize I had fallen asleep so we both slept way longer than we should have. Waking up at 5:15. Shoot...... I pushed back bed time by 30 minutes and lights out at 8:30. He was WIRED and over stimulated, over tired and wound up! I had to bring him back to bed 5 times before he even fell asleep. He FINALLY crashed at almost 10:00pm.

The night... Was horrible.. He started his wake up routine at 11:30 and it continued all night long with me spending 98% of my night on the hallway floor and NOT in my bed. He screamed for milk.. Which I finally gave him. Cried for Daddy.. And even moved his pillow and blankets to the edge of the doorway to get closer to me and slept there the rest of the night! It was UGLY....

Day 3 can it be THIS simple?

Day 3 Friday Night 5-5-06

All day Friday we discuss the new bed time routine with Alex. He is on day 3 without taking a nap and seems to be doing well with it, plus bedtime is far less of a struggle. I decide we are doing well so I move to the door jam at bedtime. Once again he is out like a champ. In fact in under 10 minutes. Rick and I actually get to settle down to watch a movie together at a normal hour. I think I might love the Sleep Lady, she is my new best friend. I am getting farther into the book and realize all the ways Rick and I created these bad habits by offering Alex so many excuses, yet were they excuses? The medical stuff was real, soo could he have handled this earlier? IS he still waking at night because that is what his body has been trained to do or something more? The night itself goes a little rougher with 4 wakings, demanding milk, crying, me falling asleep up right in the door jam. Saturday Morning he comes into our room at sun up anounces he slept like a big boy... Gets in our bed, drinks milk and we all sleep together until almost 7am. I am officially exhausted! BUT... According to the sleep lady it takes 2-3 weeks for this to stick........ I am praying I can make it 2-3 weeks!!!!

Day 2 of the Sleep Lady

Day 2 - Thursday Night 5-4-06

Once again we kissed Alex good night, prayed and I sat at the door. Again he was out in 15 minutes I was beginning to think this was far to easy. We had only 2 wake ups during the night both times asking for milk. The 2nd time I gave in and gave it to him. I'm a coward.... Yet I still was refusing to let Rick do any part of the night dealings as he is even weaker than me in this category. The rule is Alex has to wait till he sees light outside in order to get out of bed. When he gets up during the night I walk him back to his room and put him back in bed trying to keep the conversation to almost none. This is actually far harder than it sounds when you have a child demanding answers from you.............. After drinking is milk he sleeps... And stays in his own bed until sun up! YEAH... Once again Rick and I actually awake in the same bed for the first time in years!

The sleep lady takes over!

I have put down my foot, thrown a fit, and demanded to take back my marriage bed from my 3 1/2 year old son Alex. NO MORE family bed.. NO more MILK, and NO MORE having my husband falling alseep in his room only to stay there all night. After all this time I just cannot stand another minute of it and I am tried of making excsuses for his lack of sleep. Sadly after doing a lot of reading I realize just how badly we have failed to teach him in this department. I could list a thousand reason why things have turned out the way they have... but what's the point?

The important thing is that we are turning it around! Last week we started a new sleep "program". The sleep lady is now in charge and I have turned my anguish over to her. So, my next few entries are all going to be journaling our sleep patterns, discoveries, and trials! Hang on as I have found out... it's gets pretty bumpy.

Night One: I let Rick run through the normal routine of reading books, drinking milk, brushing teeth, then... I told Alex that it was time to start sleeping like a big boy and that Mommy and Daddy would no longer be sleeping with him. I started sitting at his bedroom door which went surprisngly well. In fact he didn't even argue! He was out in about 25 minutes without ever getting out of bed or a word from me. He woke up several times but didn't argue too much about being put back into his bed alone..... next step Day 2!

Does Cold Exist?

“Did God create everything that exists? Does evil exist? Did God create evil?”

The university professor challenged his students with this question.

“Did God create everything that exists?"

A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!"

"God created everything?" The professor asked. "Yes sir.” the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil , since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then God is evil.”

The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "May I ask you a question, professor?"

"Of course", replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind o f question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?"

The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, “In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-459 F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course, as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily examples of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young man's name -- Albert Einstein

Blue Jeans for Babies Day

Today is Blue Jeans for Babies Day here in Columbus, MS! My son and the Mayor signed a proclamation last week declaring it so. It was even on the news. Today around the city we saw lots of people in their yellow shirts honoring all the premature babies who were lost, those who are still fighting, and those like my son who are survivors!!! The Golden Triangle's WalkAmerica is this Sunday with Alex as the ambassador. It has been a hard 3 month push raising funds up to this point. Last year I personally brought in $1,350.00 my original goal this year was $1500.00 and then I got crazy and upped it to $2500.00, then even crazier and took it up to $3500.00! On Thursday I banked my GOAL!!! So for the rest of the year I am now shooting for $4,000. This was our first year with a team, "Team Alex", so when I set our goal at $4,000 the people on our team thought I had lost my mind. Well I am proud to say we brought in just a hair over $5,300.00! Can you imagine how many babies that money can save!!! Thank You Jesus! All things are possible thru Christ! I am mentally exhausted after the past month. Sunday is all about enjoying all that we have done, riding the wave so to speak. If you can give even just the change in your car to the March of Dimes.. Why not step up and give?

It's for the babies......................... http://www.walkamerica.org/MHocutt

A moment of Silence.........

Yesterday I got sad news, news I knew was coming soon yet was unprepared to deal with. My friend's niece Ashleigh took her last breaths here on earth. Ashleigh was 4 years old and had been battling neuroblastoma (cancer) for more than 1/2 her young life.
Honestly I had never gotten the chance to meet Ashleigh face to face. Yet her smile reaches out from her pictures grabs your heart and never lets go. Her story has touched thousands upon thousands. Her life will be with so many people forever.
I am thankful as Ashleigh is no longer in agony and her parents no longer have to watch her suffer. Amy & Jeff have been through and seen more in the past 2 years than any parent should have to. I am finding peace in knowing that Ashleigh's last breath was taken in the arms of her loving parents just as she took her first.
It is a comfort to my heart picturing Ashleigh sitting on God's knee with her Angel wings, pain free. No needles, no tubes, no braces nothing but the incredible body God has blessed her with. She is happy and warm at home with her father. I know she is reaching down comforting her family praying for them to go on and find hope knowing they will see her again.
What makes me sad and afraid is that I do not think Amy & Jeff have accepted Christ into their hearts. Who are they finding comfort in? Who is being their rock during this painful time? Do they believe Ashleigh is in heaven sitting with our Father? I am praying for their hearts and for comfort for them.

Please join me in a moment of silence for Ashleigh...............





Let us Pray

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please pour out the light of your presence on all those who love Ashleigh. Let them see You in a real and tangible way. Father, use her death to open their hearts to You that they may know You are the Comforter and that You have healed their daughter completely and fully.

Father, reveal Your plan for their future. Give them comfort and hope in the midst of their sorrow. Please send someone into their lives that can show Your love and comfort to them. Let their memories of Ashleigh fill their hearts with joy so that they may laugh aloud at the thought of her. Use her precious life and sweet memory for Your honor and glory that Amy and Jeff and others in Ashleigh's family may come to know You.

Father, Your word says that all of our days were ordained before one of them came to be. We also know that You use all of the circumstances of our lives to work Your greatest good in us. Father, I claim these promises for Ashleigh's family, that in the midst of these circumstances, they will seek You with all of their hearts, that You will set their feet on the rock, and that You will be their joy, their peace, and their hope when they have none.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

(Thank you to my friend Renee for hearing Christ and writing this for me)

Midnight and I should be in bed!

My friend Stacy in Kansas city, MO sent me an IM the other day (before my computer crashed) telling me I needed to update my blog that she felt that was the only way she knew what was happening in my life lately and it had been too long.

Then my friend Alyssa in Sacramento sent me an e-mail telling me she felt disconnected and was growing in unrest in the miles between us. She then filled me in on all the happenings in her life. All the yuck and joy I was missing out on.

To top it all off tonight my friend Lori now in Colorado Springs sent me a blip from my blog from February saying she needed "some familiar time with a dear friend - so I found it in your blog".

YIKES people..... This was a wake up call clearly I have been FAR too busy. I promise all 3 of you I am still very much alive and kicking. The past month God has sent me on a journey. Because of my son Alex we are the Ambassadors for the March of Dimes WalkAmerica here in Columbus. God has deeply stamped it on my heart this month to get out there and give the gift He gave me back to others. This was WHY he gave me Alex. It was a tool..
So.. Off I went on a fundraising mission of sorts! It started with a little yard sale that grew and grew and grew until you could no longer see out my son's play room windows. My kitchen table, floor, and counters became tagging stations full of pink, green, yellow little dots with prices on them. I lost pens, tags, cups, the house and often my mind in the pile of stuff that people began donating for this "little" yard sale. Yet god pushed me further. He kept whispering in my ear to drive on when I thought I had no strength left. He cleared my mind when exhaustion set in. He lifted me up when I became disappointed. He clearly told me in no uncertain terms this was my mission. Soooo I drove forward at 100 mph. Several times I wanted to bag the entire idea and then he would send an angel my way often in the form of an 80 pound red head full of His raw energy and love. It never failed to make me smile.
So on Saturday I pulled off my largest fundraising to date! A HUGE GIGANTIC yard sale! The greatest gift I got was people who were getting nothing in return showing up at 6am with huge smiles to work for the day donating their time, sweat and love. This was more than I could ask for. The newspaper came and took pictures, over 100 people came up my driveway several on numerous trips, and over $1300.00 passed through our hands. $500.00 was raised for the March of Dimes and donated to "Team Alex".
During the past month God kept scolding me that my personal goal was not high enough. I originally started it at $1500.00, because last year we raised $1300.00 and I thought that was a goal I could "handle". When fundraising started off really slow I dropped my numbers down to $700.00 thinking maybe after hurricane Katrina and all maybe I needed to offer a lot more Grace to those hurting. Then God and I spoke and I moved it to $2500.00. My husband thought I was mad, He still thinks I might be. Yet God assured me it was "doable", he prompted me that this was my mission. IF by speaking out about my near death experience some like to call child birth, could raise money and help prevent one Mamma from having to experience the agony of the NICU, I HAD to do everything in power to make it happen. Even if I don't hit that $2500.00 goal by Thursday morning (bank day for my walk), I know God has helped me shift minds and hearts. I know that together we have touched lives, minds and hearts. For many people I pray prematurity is just a word they will only be able to relate to "the Hocutts", but for those who will unwillingly be sucked into the ugly world of fear called the NICU I pray the memory of my sons face, laughter, and light will give them strength, hope, and faith in their darkest hour. THANK YOU God for the incredible gift of my son Alex.

To my friends... Stacy, Alyssa & Lori... Thank you! Thank you for allowing me time to wander into my March of Dimes world knowing I would return to you a better and deeper person. Thank you for allowing me to ramble at times and make no sense. Thank you for forgiving me for not being the best of friend during moments you may have needed me. Thank you for loving me, giving me strength, and reminding me why I do what I do. I know none of you will be physically here with us next Sunday as we drive off after church to "do" the walk, but you each will be with me in my heart.

I often pray for each one of you, thanking God for the blessings he has given me. You each have played very key roles in my life, ones that are unforgettable. So as I wake up next Sunday morning sad that you all won't get to experience the day with us I will remind myself of all the things God has blessed our friendship with.

Alyssa - you drove over 500 miles with a 2 month old to hold my hand at my baby shower, 2 days after out finding how sick I was you sat on the floor while I laid with my feet up on the couch scared, afraid and crying. You worked your butt of when I gave birth sending "lil" hand made hats for my tiny little son. You sent my first sign of God in the form of a St. Christopher pendant to pin to Alex's blanket in the incubator.

Stacy - You listened as my colicky son drove me over the edge, as the throw up spilled time and time again to the floor you promised me it would get better. You made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. You gave me hope when I thought there was none. You gave me advice when I truly had no one else to turn too. You flew miles to be make good on a bet you had lost (smirk). You prayed like never before with each visit to the doctors, hospital and neurosurgeon showing me God's answers to prayers before I even realized it.

Lori - My soul shaker.... You helped me lift my hand, my heart and my son to God. You helped me put answers to my most painful questions. You were there as I met Christ face to face. You gave me faith when I had none. You lifted me up and placed me on my rock reaching out to catch me every time I started to slide off. You became my sons second mother, offering him advice, love, and laughter. You became the older sister I had wished for all my life.

THANK YOU to my deepest set of friends.... For loving me with the good, the bad and the ugly! Thank you for sharing my deepest fears and my happiest moments with me. Thank you for loving me when I have felt unlovable. You each have stamped yourselves in my soul forever.

I AM BACK..... (of course it's 1:00am so I think I better go back to bed)!

Day 2 and I'm a Lent Failure!

Yep.. I blew it.. Day 2 and I drank soda. Picture an ostrich sticking it's head in the sand right about now! But.. In my meek and horrible defense I have been up since 4:30 am with my whiney 3 year old who was crying for milk. .... Gulp .... Soooo I really drank the soda out of desperation for caffeine. I HAD to have it for the safety of my family. Would have it been better if I went and had a coffee (which I don't drink) because I didn't give that up for Lent? Technically your really not suppose to trade one bad habit for another. I guess... I ask for forgiveness for being weak, broken, selfish, and for not having an ounce of self will power. Tomorrow is a new day with a new sunrise and a new beginning! Thank you Lord for that.

Ohhh and did I mention that my lovely 3 year old then proceeded to whip a hanger across the room with the accuracy of a sharp shooter nailing my soda, spilling it's glorious wild cherry Pepsi contents all over my keyboard??? Ohhhh yeah... God showed me, through my child no less. Gotta love that! Gone... Wasted away.... And NOW to make matters worse my letters are sticking and my F barely works. Good thing I gave up swearing because that F would be really useful about now. Grrrrrr...............