You can see her journal entry's at: www.caringbridge.org/visit
SUNDAY, JULY 01, 2007 08:29 PM, CDT
Part 1 of 3
Tribute to Miller Grace
Some mothers spend years buying prom dresses, going to ballet lessons, and teaching their daughters to read. I hope to get the chance to do just that with my first two daughters, but I will never have that chance with Miller Grace. I selfishly rejoice in knowing that I had thirty five weeks with her that no one else got to have. The rest of you only knew my sweet girl for five days and those were amazing days. What boggled the minds of doctors made perfect sense to me.
The Lord was gracious enough to let Miller Grace stay with us in this world for five days, eight hours, and forty eight minutes. In that brief window of time, I learned more than I have in all my twenty four years combined. I learned what it is to rejoice during a painful birth, what it is to pray when that baby doesn't ever cry, what it means to truly lay one's child at the foot of the cross and to force oneself to find peace in whatever God decides for that child.
My first pregnancy was a normal one and I laughed when my mother told me that a healthy baby was a miracle when she was visiting us in the hospital. Then, just seventeen weeks into my second pregnancy, we saw our baby's intestines floating outside of her body. For twenty weeks, were never guaranteed another moment and the threat of death lingered over our heads. It was only when Matilyn Faith came screaming into this world, despite having most of her intestines and organs outside of her body, that we knew God was truly big enough to defy all odds. For twenty six days, we witnessed one miracle after another in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit of Vanderbilt Children's Hospital, and when we carried our girl who had beat all the odds home in her Easter dress on the day before Easter, we knew that God really does still move stones and resurrect lives. I've had the opportunity to share Matilyn's miraculous story with so many people since then and no one can hear the full story and deny the power of God in her life or the fact that without him, she would never be here. I've rejoiced that I am the only one that can tell that story to this world from my perspective. What I didn't know is that I was the one who would need the reminder of Matilyn that God really is big enough to fix anything He wants to, to sustain any life He sees fit, and to work miracles among us.
(continued...)
You see, Miller Grace and God had been gently preparing my heart for this day for many weeks. Even before she took her first breath, Miller Grace's body seized violently and she rarely found peace within me. At first, this scared me immensely and I begged for deliverance from it. Then, Matt helped me to realize that those movements were Miller Grace's unique movements and I should be thankful for each one. I learned to embrace Miller Grace for who she was and I learned how to hold my belly just the right way to bring her peace until the seizing stopped. I once was afraid of needles and yet, Miller Grace and God gave me the peace and strength to face not one, but four decompression amniocentesis procedures, where a needle much larger than I care to describe was inserted into my abdomen and invaded that sacred space where Miller Grace first came to be. Enduring this nightmare four times and spending weeks with my entire abdomen extended far beyond capacity made it difficult to breathe and often times nearly miserable to endure, but, again, Miller Grace and God gave me the strength to do whatever it took to buy time for Miller Grace in this world... and it worked for a little while.
SUNDAY, JULY 01, 2007 08:28 PM, CDT
Part 2 of 3
Now, I stand on the other side. I have watched in horror as my child never took her first breath, much less cried. I've stood at a hospital bassinet and realized my baby girl would not fight as I prayed she would. I witnessed a soul much more gentle than my own, much more willing to accept God's will for her, and I understood for the first time why we had chosen Grace to be her middle name. We thought it was appropriate because God was going to be gracious and send us a healthy baby this time, but what Miller Grace and God knew was that she WAS Grace. She was going to show us what grace is all about. She never left the hand of her mighty Creator and though she let us cherish her for a little while, she was never intended to linger here for long, and she was so peaceful in that.
It was my longing for her peace after so many months of uncontrollable movements and painful procedures that allowed me the strength to walk the long hallway to the room where I would wait for my husband to bring our girl to me, free from all wires and trying to breathe on her own. It was the peace of God that filled me as I unbuttoned my shirt and placed Miller Grace's little chest against her mother's for the first time and it was the peace of God and the joy that comes from Heaven that filled us as we released our girl to go to Heaven. She laid her little head under my chin and fell asleep. In the time it took to sing Jesus Loves Me two times, she found peace enough to stop breathing, though her heart continued to beat. In the time it took for me to tell her all about everyone who is waiting for her in Heaven and to give her specific instructions on who to play with and what to do until Mommy gets there, she stopped trying to make her heartbeat, too. She showed us true submission to God's will and she was graceful until her last breath. I danced with her little body at the same time that I know she started dancing with Jesus and I praised God for being the one who experienced this blessing.
I might not get to buy Miller Grace a prom dress or to ever teach her to read, but there is one thing I get to do. In the job description of Miller Grace's mom is the requirement to stand before you and tell you of all these ways that God has worked, to tell you that He took my worst nightmare and made into a dream come true, and to ask you if you've trusted Him enough to know the miracles I do.
SUNDAY, JULY 01, 2007 08:22 PM, CDT
(Conclusion)
I understood for the first time how our Lord must have felt when it was His ONLY Son that hung on the cross. I have heard people question why it was His Son and not Himself that was sacrificed for our sins. I know now. This would have been nearly as bad if it were my life that was lost. To watch my tiny, innocent child struggle to live and then to die, I did partake in the sufferings of our Lord. I continue to daily. Let me tell you, please believe ME, it could only be an immense love for you that would have led our Lord to willingly endure such heartache. This is no small thing. This is earth shattering and wrong in every way. Just as God the Father lost His Son in order that others might know Christ and have eternal life, I feel I have lost Miller Grace for the same purpose. So many of you do not know God… or you do and you've lost touch with him. I think I know how God feels about you, too. I ache for Miller Grace until there are just no words. Just to touch her, just to have her look at me, just to bury my face in her chubby little neck one more time… I would give anything. That's how God feels about you. That's why He pursues your heart as He does. He misses you. You are His child and He already paid the price to bring you back home. There is no price I can pay, except the years of life that stand between me and meeting my girl again in Heaven, to get her back. But the price has been paid for you. Please, don't keep Him waiting another minute. This pain is too much. As His child, you have no idea. As the parent, I'm telling you it's true.
Miller Grace was smaller than anyone here, but her strength was bigger. If you've been too stubborn or too proud or just too scared to give your life to God, think of tiny Miller Grace. Isaiah 11:6 says "The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together, and a little child will lead them." If you thought it was impossible to have a relationship with God, faith that will move mountains, or the ability to be obedient even unto death, consider the impossibilities in this verse and then the truth that a little child will indeed lead us to make those things possible. Miller Grace set quite the example for us. She faced the impossible. Miller Grace never sinned as we have sinned. Miller Grace never had the chances we have known. Yet she was faithful even unto death. She never knew fear and she knew that no pain was too great to keep her from fulfilling her purpose here. The same can be true for you. Let her lead you home and find rest in the arms of your Savior just as she has.
No comments:
Post a Comment