Monday, February 28, 2005

God Loves to send Tests to you...

Friends are God's Gift but also God's Test!

"Life is a test, Life is a trust, and life is a temporary assignment." (Rick Warren)

One of my friends from NH and I lost contact for a few years after my son was born. I was in a difficult space at the time and felt like every phone call was centered around her. At the time her life's worried seemed so trivial compared to my son fighting for his life in the NICU. I never said a word but rather just allowed time to give us some space. Out of the blue this weekend she contacted me. Her husband has been shipped to Iraq for a year or more with the National Guard. She apologized for not being the friend I needed her to be. I forgave her. I never told her why I took time away.. She knew in her heart. I am ready to be the friend she needs.

"Those who have hurt you in the past cannot continue to hurt you now unless you hold on to the pain through resentment. Your past is past! Nothing will change it. You are only hurting yourself with your bitterness. For your own sake, learn from it, and then let it go. " (Rick Warren)

"To worry yourself to death with resentment would be foolish, senseless thing to do." Job 5:2

Why is it sometimes in our lives we are going down the river tubing with our friends, each hanging on to one another, laughing and enjoying life in a perfect circle. Suddenly, without warning someone / something / changes. The water starts to rise, the current picks up speed, and then one person makes a bad choice. One friend chooses to not work as a unit, and help each other through the rough waters. Now your tight group is suddenly spread out across the river in a long line with each person trying to hang on. Whispering begins and now not everyone can hear what's being said, words are spoken that cannot be taken back. Those words... Hurt.. They cut... In reaction you let go of your friends raft. It's time... The river is splitting your heading into calm waters while she continues to try and fight the rapids. Your not angry.. Your sad... sad to see her floating away. Your sad to know the truth of what she thinks of you. You quickly turn away gather your remaining friends up and find that perfect circle again. It hurts when a friend doesn't support you in your journey. I will Pray for my friend as she rides the rapids.

"God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out." 1 Corinthians 10:13

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Friends... Are God's Little Gift!

Friends are God's way of taking care of us
This was written by a Hospice of Metro Denver physician:

I just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and wanted to share it with my family and dearest friends:

I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die - I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay. When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel. At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying "I don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me."
I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids in the car who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little. She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City. Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there. So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there.
I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?" This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people." It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong. Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the flutter of their wings...
Psalms 55:22 "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."

"Father, I ask You to bless my Son, Husband, friends, relatives and on-line friends. Show them a new revelation of your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your Love, In Jesus' precious name. Amen."

When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could You please get that for me?"
Being blessed is GOOD...Being HIGHLY FAVORED is best! Don't settle!

Friday, February 25, 2005

After a Deep Day...

Yesterday was well... a DEEP day! LOL... today will be lighter!

I am happy to report I have once again signed up to walk for the March Of Dimes in Honor of my Preemie Son Alex. This will be my third walk since he was born in November 2002. WalkAmerica - View Personal Page. Please visit my page if you have the time!! I am planning on purchasing "Saving Babies Wristbands" and also "Prematurity Car Magnets" which people will be able to purchase from me for $1.00. All proceeds will go straight into my donation bucket for the March Of Dimes! Shop to Help: Display Your Passion!
Prematurity is sadly on the rise! Every day 1 in 8 babies born in the U.S. arrives too soon. Premature birth can happen to any woman and be life threatening not only for her baby but also for her. It is a serious, common and costly problem. The March of Dimes is leading the campaign to reduce premature birth by supporting research and by educating the public and health care providers. How many babies are born every year in your state? Click here and find out! Peristats - March of Dimes. In CA where my son was born in an average WEEK 973 babies are born preterm, 140 very preterm, 650 are born low birthweight, 117 are born very low birthweight. Thats a total of 1,880 babies a WEEK struggling for their lives. In 2002, there were 50,612 preterm births in California, representing 10.2% of live births.
I am constantly amazed at how many people we meet who also have had a premature baby. It is far more common than people think. Every woman hopes for the perfect pregnancy and of course the perfect birth. I know I dreamed of giving birth and being wheeled out of the hospital by my glowing husband with our new born perfect son. NONE of that happened for us. In fact we were not able to hold our son in our arms for 7 days. It was another 32 before we were able to bring him home. Please help Support the March Of Dimes in any way you can, so that Parents like Rick and I can hold our babies that much sooner.

*** If you Live in the Columbus Area and would like to Support the March Of Dimes and Rick, Alex and I, PLEASE join us on March 20th and walk with us. We would LOVE for you to JOIN our team! (you can register off my page).

Isn't He Worth It??

Preterm refers to births occurring before the 37th week of pregnancy.
Very preterm is less than 32 weeks.
Low birthweight infants weigh less than 2500 grams or 5 ½ pounds.
Very low birthweight infants weigh less than 1500 grams or 3 1/3 pounds.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

15 Things to Think About!

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably
won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better
when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

A Minute: They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to
appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Take the time... to live and love.

Natalie gave me chills!

My Friend Natalie has a strong connection with Jesus. She was raised in a Christian home but as many teenagers do lost her path at one time, only to find her way again later. Today she wrote a beautiful entry in her blog. I had tears streaming down my face and chills on my arms. I felt like I was standing right beside her staring up at the sky with her. So happy to share this moment with my friend. With her permission I am copying her entry here! You can also go to her personal page to visit her site and comment to her.

~... Thinking about the Bridge ...~

"I've been pondering on something. I look at my kids and am constantly amazed at the amount of adoration and unconditional love that I feel towards them. I love them with every single living fiber in my body. They are part of me. When they hurt, I hurt. When they smile, I smile. They mean more than I could ever even try to explain. It is hard for me to understand and comprehend that the love that I feel towards my own children is only a fraction of the love that Christ has for me.
You know, I think about Jesus. I think about him in the Garden asking his dad why he had to die. I think about how he was so stressed out and upset about what he knew he was going to endure. I think about how he underwent so much grief that it caused his body to sweat drops of blood. I think about him on the cross. I think about him hanging there....a king with his crown of thorns. A king with a broken heart and bleeding side. How at any moment he could have called on the angels on high. He could have made such fools out of everyone who stood around!! What a spectacle it would have been to see a crowd of sword bearing angelic beings landing on that hill and taking his broken body off of that cross and seeing him transformed before their very eyes into the true King that he is. I think about the sacrifice that he made. I think about him on the cross thinking of me. Thinking that the only way for me to ever live with his father would be through his own death. He knew he was the bridge. The only possible way. I think about this bridge....the bridge that he created for me so that when the day comes, I can join him. I believe this as 100% truth.
I think of the day sometimes. I'm driving back from soccer practice maybe, wait...lets change that...I'm driving to soccer...this way I can see what is happening. I hear a noise. What an understatement....the music on my radio is drowned out by this sound....What??? I'll pull over and check it out. As I make a turn into a parking lot, I notice I'm not the only one who is pulling off the road to find out what is going on. The noise is coming from the sky...but I see nothing. I'm about to bear witness to something that people have been waiting for for years. The sky parts just like the curtain before a show and the most brilliant light I've ever seen comes shooting between the clouds. My kids are by my side watching and pointing up to the clouds. I know what it is. I can tell by looking around me that some people know what it is too. There are tears running down our faces. Others looked horrified...shocked and scared.Amidst the light are colors that I don't have a name for. The most beautiful colors I've ever seen. I try to compare them to colors that I know, but I never dreamed that these colors existed. They spill onto every square inch of the sky. I look over and my 2 year old is trying to reach up and grab them. There is someone coming. He is surrounded and although I know who it is, I keep on waiting for the confirmation. I see tons of people. They are angelic with faces of all colors. They are surrounding him. They are speaking in unison and all I can hear is "Holy, Holy, Holy". Within moments they are everywhere...North, South, East and West....but they begin to seperate and make an aisle. Coming down on a brilliant white horse staring right at me is my King. He's staring right at me!!! Little do I know that everyone is thinking the same thing. Around me one by one, people are dropping to their knees. Whether they want to or not, he commands it and they have no control over it. Through my tears, I can see the angels around him all bowing. He is glorified. I briefly wonder where my husband and my parents are...hoping that they able to have the same view that I have, but I know that everyone sees the same thing. My oldest son is next to me...his arms stretched towards the heavens with watery eyes. Suddenly nothing in the world matters anymore. Mortgages, what kind of car I drive, the new handbag I begged my husband for....nothing. He has returned.
"See, I am coming soon, and my reward is with me, to repay everyone according to the deeds he has done. I am the A and the Z. The Beginning and the End, the First and the Last."
Rev 22:12-13
I think that Jesus envisioned the same thing when he was in the garden. None of this would be possible had he not died on that cross. He is awaiting that day too. I just pray that God give me the strength and wisdom everyday to realize what is important and what isn't. I reach out in faith and accept his promise. Thanks to Jesus for thinking of me and my family...he thought of yours too.
Thank you Natalie for sharing this with me......

"God IS Love"

Poem by Russell Kelfer
Found in the book
"The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren
Page 25
"You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.
The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.
No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!"

Open Mouth insert Foot!

I have now started this entry 3 times and I just keep hitting delete when I am done. I had a rough day emotionally yesterday. My behavior at home was not acceptable. I said some things that in print did not come across as intended. Rather than sit here and re-hash it all, and try and justify my actions I am going to leave it up to God to help me right my wrongs and have a better more productive day.

"God grant me the strength to control my anger and temper. Help me to be the patient and Loving Mother and Wife I know I can be. Give me the tools to communicate effectively with my friends expressing my Love for you in a manner that will guide them. I ask that please help me find my strength to do all of these things even when my health and body are weak. Lord, you are powerful and only you know the purpose you created me for. Continue to help me work towards that purpose. In your Name.... AMEN"

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

My brain can't focus!

Have you ever had so much going on in your brain that you can't get one solid thought down on paper? This is me today... So much to say yet no clue where to start!

My Mom is gone now! I took her to the airport yesterday. Sadly it might be a good thing as I am horribly sick today. My head is full, pounding and I seriously just want to crawl back into bed. My body just aches! We had a great time while she was here. Alex was having a hard time bonding with her. I wanted to tell her to get on the floor and play with him but just couldn't figure out how. Maybe as he grows older it will get easier for him and her. My house is quiet again. Alex is missing Nana.

Last night Rick rescued a Beagle from becoming road mush. He came up over a hill (a 2 lane "highway" and the dog was sitting in the middle of the road just shaking). I was slightly annoyed. He couldn't find the owner although he went to all the nearby houses. So he ended up coming home with him. This dog was clearly loved. He was plump, with a collar and VERY sweet. I really had to work at not getting attached! He only had a rabies tag so we had to wait to call the vet this morning. I called and got the owners info. The woman almost started crying on the phone with me. There are actually 2 dogs missing!! They have been gone a MONTH! They were her husband's dogs and he has been horribly sad since they got out from under the fence. Some evil human being took these dogs in and cut their tags off and has been keeping them clearly. She said he was fatter than when he left! LOL... The woman came right away to get him and it was like a family reunion! The dog was soooo excited!!! His name is Clifford! God put Clifford into my husband's loving heart so that we could get him home to his Mommy. I just pray they can find the sister too.

My friend Desire's Mother died at 4:10 this morning. She was young and fought her Cancer until the end. Her Mother was an amazing woman with an incredible History. Desire is a wonderful daughter who took great care of her Mother and held her hand as she took her last breath here on Earth and started her journey to Heaven. Her suffering is over and her spirit is soaring. She will ALWAYS be with Dez, in her heart. Desire I love you and am here for you! Take a moment now and say a quiet Pray for the loss of this Great woman.


Sunday, February 20, 2005

"The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren

Yesterday my Mom and I went to the local book store. We split up and started to try and find what books we wanted. I was quickly drawn in by a book called "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. It is book that will help you understand why you are alive and God's amazing plan for you. It is a 40 day personal journey. I picked up the book and made my choice. I found my Mom and she of course looked to see what I was buying, asked what it was and I explained. She didn't have to much to say. That's okay.. I wouldn't have either a year ago. I am really excited about beginning my journey. I am truly hoping Rick joins me in the journey. I also found out friends of ours, Natalie and Mark are also reading this book. They are now about 2 weeks ahead of us. This is PERFECT as now we will have someone to discuss the readings with.

"Let God transform you into a new person changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do."

My Mom did end up going to Church with us. It was clear she was totally out of her element the moment we entered the front door. She wanted to sit down fast, it was as if she was taking horrible tasting medication. Quick.. Close your eyes.. Throw it into the back of your throat.. Hold your nose... Throw your head back... And SWALLOW! LOL! I almost felt sorry for her. I tried to make her feel comfortable and many people came up to say hello. This was her own shame and guilt she was dealing with. She ended up choosing a couch in the far far back of our church and closest to the door. I was certain she was going to bolt at any moment. Thank goodness Rick had the keys to the truck. She did not sing.. She did not smile... I "felt" like she was trying to make herself invisible. She shut herself off long before she ever entered the Church doors. I am so so sad about this. I will continue to pray that she too, can free herself from the guilt of her sins so she may feel the love and freedom I feel.

Today, was the first time since we have been going to Church that we did Communion. Pastor Nace, gave a short sermon about the meaning of Communion. He invited those who had taken Christ into their hearts and have dedicated their lives to him to come up and take part. Rick, my dear sweet husband quickly looks at me, wide eyed and said "I don't want to drink out of the same cup as everyone else". I had to chuckle as yet again his fears were holding him back. Did he seriously think that all those people were going to drink from that cup? I explained to him that you dip your bread not drink from it. I closed my eyes and began to pray asking God to help Rick decide what the right thing to do was. Rick then leaned over and whispered into my ear telling me he was not going up. I smiled and told him that was fine and I understood. I stood and took my place in line. I was ready to accept Communion.
Later tonight, I asked Rick why he choose not to go up. He said "I almost did, I don't know why I didn't". I then asked him if he heard everything Pastor Nace said before offering Communion? He explained that yes, he fully understood it all. I think the look on my face said it all. I said.. "Rick, Nace invited those people who had committed their life to Christ up, do you understand that?. He then started to laugh at me and said Honey, of course I do. I said wow.. That's huge. Rick said what's huge. I said that you "almost" went up.. That's huge. I smiled a HUGE full smile and Hugged the man that I fell in love with again. Rick then said, when we do it again... I am going to go up. I almost SHOT out of my seat doing a dance instead I just stared at him. I stared and smiled an ear to ear smile. My Husband, the Father of my son just had a SERIOUS break through. THAT my friends was GLORY!!

What does it mean to be a Christian?

What does it mean to be a Christian?

Someone recently asked me this and I had no answer. My answer was so mixed up and unclear. Take a minute and TRULY look into your heart and ask this hard question.

What does it mean to be a Christian?
Are YOU a Christian?
So obviously I have been thinking a lot about this, and trying to decide what the right answer is. IS there a "right" answer. Well... I went to the dictionary to see what it had to say and I found the following:
Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary:
Main Entry: 1Chris·tian Pronunciation: 'kris-ch&n, 'krish-Function: nounEtymology: Latin christianus, adjective & n., from Greek christianos, from Christos1 a : one who professes belief in the teachings of Jesus Christ b (1) : DISCIPLE 2 (2) : a member of one of the Churches of Christ separating from the Disciples of Christ in 1906 (3) : a member of the Christian denomination having part in the union of the United Church of Christ concluded in 19612 : the hero in Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress.
Encyclopedia Britannica:
Christian fundamentalism
Conservative Protestant movement that arose out of 19th-century millennialism in the U.S.
It emphasized as fundamental the literal truth of the Bible, the imminent physical Second Coming of Jesus, the virgin birth, resurrection, and atonement. It spread in the 1880s and '90s among Protestants dismayed by labour unrest, Catholic immigration, and biblical criticism. Scholars at Princeton Theological Seminary provided intellectual arguments, published as 12 pamphlets (1910-15). Displeasure over the teaching of evolution, which many believed could not be reconciled with the Bible, and over biblical criticism gave fundamentalism momentum in the 1920s. In the 1930s and '40s, many fundamentalist Bible institutes and colleges were established, and fundamentalist groups within some Baptist and Presbyterian denominations broke away to form new churches. In the later 20th century, fundamentalists made use of television as a medium for evangelizing and became vocal in politics as the Christian right.
MSN Encarta:
1. believer in Jesus Christ as savior: somebody who believes that Jesus Christ was sent to the world by God to save humanity, and who tries to follow his teachings and example.
"One of the more interesting, and frustrating, features of religion is the variety of meanings given to common terms. Many religious words have multiple -- often mutually exclusive -- meanings. There are also many distinct definitions of the term "Christian" (pronounced 'kristee`ân): Most liberal Christian denominations, secularists, public opinion pollsters, and this web site define "Christian" very broadly as any person or group who sincerely believes themselves to be Christian. Thus, Fundamentalist and other Evangelical Protestants, Roman Catholics, Eastern Orthodox believers, Presbyterians, Methodists, Episcopalians, United Church members, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, Christian Scientists, etc. are all considered Christian. They total about 75% of the North American adult population. At the other extreme, many Fundamentalist and other Evangelical Protestants define "Christian" more narrowly to include only those persons with beliefs like their own. Or they might accept as a "Christian" anyone who has been "born again" regardless of their denomination. They might estimate that about 35% of the North American adult population are real Christians. Different definitions on such a fundamental topic makes dialog and debate among Christian groups very difficult."
I could continue to list site after site after site here... Just go to and type in Definition of a Christian and you will get 8,220,000 pages with results in 0.05 seconds!
WOW - it seems like there sure are a lot of people out there that believe they know the definition of a Christian. BUT who exactly has the correct answer? After reading for weeks now and trying to wrap my brain around this, I finally decided I just needed to let it go and pray about it. I woke up at 4:15am this morning I thought from Rick snoring but then I kept hearing this loud booming voice in my heart and head. Martha, YOU are a Christian. Me? Me? a Christian? Am I good enough to call myself that I asked? My reply was loud and clear and I HAD to get up and get it all down on "paper".
There is no right or wrong answer to this question. Only God knows what's in your heart. We are ALL sinful we are all broken. No one is perfect. It's your "connection" with Jesus that truly matters. I believe Jesus Christ is my Savior. I have been given this life by HIM and my life will be taken by Him. My connection with Jesus is so clear now. I am so proud and happy.
THANK YOU FATHER for this INCREDIBLE gift. THANK YOU for giving those around me the tools they needed to guide me into your ever loving arms. Thank you for forgiving my sins and helping me to forgive my own. Thank You for loving me long before I was able to love you or myself. Thank you for being an ever patient and merciful Lord. You are an AMAZING God and I Love you with all that I am. Thank You for this moment, this day, this year, this life! In YOUR name AMEN!

Friday, February 18, 2005

Memories are funny....

My Mother and I lived in the same house for over 18 years. Yet, our memories of events are totally different. She views things one way.. And I view them at times totally different. Normally this has been a serious point of contention between us (her memories always make her look good me bad). However, today she was talking about something which I of course did not the same way. My instinct was to start to say NO.. That's not the way it happened. Suddenly in my mind I heard "Look at the big picture Martha, does it really matter?". It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. It's all in the past now, I am a adult, I have made my peace with Jesus. I was so proud of myself for letting it go. My Mother being here has truly been a test for me. Not only not to fight but to also not allow her to make me feel bad about myself. As I have said before I know I am loved but I am treated differently than my sister. This has always been a very hard thing for me since the day my sister was born. I am taking huge strides....... Not only with my journey with Jesus but also with myself.

My Mother made another comment about going to Church on Sunday today... OMG.... I am beyond amazed. We also were listening to some of my Christian CD's in the car today (Thanks Gina, Michael W. Smith is GREAT!) and she said she liked it and even had his Christmas CD. Wow......

We went to the Tupelo Buffalo Park today. It was actually pretty cool although small. I have never been that close to a Buffalo and they are HUGE! I was floored at how big just their heads are. Alex, LOVED seeing all the animals and had a blast getting to feed them. His favorite were the camels and the goats. He was so tired when we left.

We also visited 2 battlefields and we floored at the lack of monuments ect. They had for them. Nothing like Gettsyburg. We also saw several cemetery's where Confederate Soldiers were buried, we both we so sad at the lack of respect for these graves. Many were badly damaged and in horrible shape. Don't people realize this is our History? This is all a part of us? Growing up in the North East, I am a History Junkie!

Tomorrow we are going to have family pictures taken by a friend of mine from MOPS. She is doing a fundraiser and thus not only are we all getting a discount but also all money raised goes to MOPS. What an amazing thing to do. Not only to donate your skill but also your time. We are so blessed to have Susan as part of our crew. I am pretty excited my Mom gets to be here for this as it has been a LONG time since she has had a professional picture taken! Yippee! Now pray my hair turns out okay and that it doesn't rain! LOL...

I want to Stop.. Take a deep breath and thank Jesus for blessing 2 of my friends with surprises of positive pregnancy tests this week. 1 is someone I posted about earlier in the week. I just pray that they both find strength to trust in God's plan whatever that may be with this bundle. I pray they find can find relaxation and patience as the first 12 weeks go by and they see that first blip of their babies heartbeat on the screen. Please Lord, protect these 2 growing babies and allow their Mamma's to hold them in their wombs for the next 9 months. I also ask you Lord to continue to hold my dear friend Shannon's hand as she continues to work on getting pregnant. Lord, I feel her strength is growing weak as is her Patience. Fill her heart up Lord, and remind her of all the blessings she has in her life. Help her find comfort knowing that you have a plan. Refresh her desires, her heart, and her soul. Lord, you are all powerful and we honor you. In Jesus name Amen.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

My child needs to learn to SLEEP!

Ahhh Alex my child who just doesn't sleep! He had a horrible night last night. First he wouldn't go to sleep finally we get him to sleep and then he wakes up 2hrs later screaming.. And just would not go back to sleep. Rick finally ended up on the recliner with him where he slept. Ugh! Since my Mother has arrived he has Been super cranky. Unlike Rick's parents she doesn't "play" with him. At times I find her correcting things he does that I normally get mad at him for. I have been just explaining to her the way I do things. (the old Martha would have blown up).
Today we went to Friendship cemetery where the very first Memorial Day took place and was created. Imagine that, Memorial Day was started in a tiny town called Columbus, MS. We found some really interesting headstones. Some were very badly damaged and my Mother was terribly upset about this. Sad thing is the area is not in a great part of town. It was a really interesting experience. I am enjoying my time with my Mother and she actually was going through her suitcase tonight and showed me what she plans to wear to Church on Sunday. On the inside I was shouting HOORAY HOORAY, but I just calmly said oh that's perfect and kept on going taking it all in stride. Sunday is still 2 days away so we shall see.... I have been trying to ease her into this new part of my life. Baby steps.. Baby steps!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Can she see the new Me?

My Mother arrived today! My Mother and I have had a very difficult relationship in the past and carry a lot of scars between us. I am not my Mother's "favorite" child yet I know I am deeply loved. I was the child that pushed, that question and that ALWAYS did the opposite of what I was told. I was child #3 and the first girl. I was the black sheep, the loud mouth, the emotional one, the wild child. I was never boring and always good for a laugh but I am certain I helped turned my Mother's naturally blond hair, white, much faster than it should have. It wasn't until I moved far away to CA, that my Mom and I could finally take a step back, look at the mess we had created and work towards a better relationship. I needed to grow up. I had to forgive her and let go of my hurts and apologize for the hurts I caused. With that done we began to find our way to a mature, adult relationship. I cherish my Mother. She is amazingly strong and vibrant. She is witty and extremely intelligent. The one thing she lacks is her judgment in men! LOL.. She settles for WAY less than she should. I think even she is starting to realize this.
I said earlier that I apologized to my Mom for the things I had done but I had never forgave myself. It is so much easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive yourself. I had no idea until recently when I began my life's reflection that I truly realized where all of my anger lied. It was buried so deep within me that It was as if at any moment "I was going to blow". I honestly had no idea. Then during the retreat Lori and I had a "moment", suddenly in the midst of her talking EVERYTHING bubbled up to the surface and It all became clear. I was no longer looking for anyone to apologize to me, I needed to apologize to God. What a mess I had turned this precious gift called Life that HE had given me. At 30 years old I finally realized this was no longer about anyone else, the blame ended that day, the anger and resentment ended that day, On February 5th I suddenly found Peace for the first time in my life.
My husband has made numerous comments to me sense how different I seem. He said I am so calm.. At peace.. And much easier to deal with. Our "fights" are no longer Martha taking something small and blowing it up with screaming, yelling, and name calling, my sailor tongue has gone away. I am THRILLED he has noticed my change and I am more excited to say it has taken ZERO effort on my part. I have begun to long for my quiet reflective prayer time in the morning and at night. My prayers are getting longer and longer... I sometimes wonder if Jesus is going to ask me to be quiet... LOL
My Mother is a "Catholic", I use the word in quotes because she is Baptized and Confirmed BUT she does not go to church nor does she have a "relationship or connection" with God. This makes me nervous to tell her what has happened in my life. Not because I am ashamed but more because I don't think she will understand. She may even think I am slightly crazy. I was once in her shoes and have thought those same things of others. However, will SHE notice the changes in me while she is here? Will she feel my calming vibes? Will she feel God's love reaching out to her through me? Will she go to church with us on Sunday and listen with a open heart? Would she understand if I told her? Do I even NEED to tell her? All these burning questions that only time and God will tell. I continue to pray and ask God for the tools to continue to help me find my way down this new Path to him.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Snip.. Snip.. Snip...

I took my poor Doggie Miller to the Vets this morning. He's there all day getting 3 shots, groomed (actually just cleaning up the horrible job I did), and getting neutered! YIKES! As Bob Barker says "Please help control the pet population and remember to spay or neuter your pets". I think this is a good thing. No chance of him getting pregnant but would hate to stick someone else with unwanted puppies. My son was so upset when I left with him. We kept trying to explain that Miller was going to the doctors to get shots and surgery and when he comes home he'll have an owie. Alex didn't like this news at all, he cried and cried. He hugged Miller Good bye, gave him a kiss and said I love you Dog Dog. It was horribly sad. I think he will be really happy when we go to pick him up later. Alex and Miller have gotten to be buddies! The neighbor Dog even came over for his usual "playtime" with Miller and he looked so confused when Miller wasn't in the back yard. Poor thing.. That's his bud! I think it will be a week or 2 before they are out roughing around in the back yard!

My Mom arrives tomorrow from NH. We have not seen her since July, and this is her first time in the South. Should be interesting! Sadly since she is a diabetic I can't get her addicted to sweet tea which most likely is probably a good thing! LOL... Looks like we are going to have rain all weekend which is a BIG bummer but what can you do?

I have 2 friends who are struggling with infertility. 1 is young and in her early 20's the other is in her late 30's, both have a child the same age as Alex. I find it amazing that infertility has no rules.. Young, old doesn't matter. Isn't horrible that it seems infertility seems to strike the people who want and deserve a baby most? I don't get it. Why does God allow such suffering yet grants birth to parents who are so unfit they throw their precious bundle in a garbage can with the umbilical cord still attached. It makes me beyond angry when I think of such things. Infertility in general is a taboo subject yet there are so many out there suffering with this gut wrenching problem. The last thing they want to hear is "oh be patient, it will happen". To them it seems like it has been an eternity. I too have a struggle with a form of infertility. I KNOW for a fact I cannot have more children. After several days of thinking I think this is the "easier" path. I can mourn, cry, be angry, and then let it go and come to terms to with it. I guess this is where I am now. Yes, I still cry, yes it still hurts when I find out a friend is pregnant. However, the ache is less when I look at my Son's sky blue eyes and realize the Miracle God has Blessed us with. I so wish I could offer my friends some sort of answer, some hope, some relief for their pain. I wish I could give them all of my fertile vibes. Life is just not fair sometimes and I don't have any answers why this is. My prayers will continue for them.....................

Monday, February 14, 2005

I hate Mondays!

Mondays stink! Rick goes back to work and I go back to trying to do those "housewife" duties. It started this morning with the bills. Ohh what a way to start the week. I'm behind and frustrated. Now, I know why I wish money grew on trees. It makes me ill to think of the cash "rich" people are just throwing away. Why doesn't it ever end up in my trash can?

I am also on a cleaning frenzy. My Mother arrives from NH on Wednesday. This will be her first time in the Deep South and her first time here. We have not seen her since July. Alex has changed so much I think she will just be floored! I am trying to get everything "ready" for her visit. I am researching things to do while she is here. Hopefully we will have fun!

My dog "Miller" is going to get "fixed" tomorrow. Poor baby doesn't even know what's about to hit him! LOL... Hopefully everything will go smooth and there will be no problems!

Well back to the mop I go!

Sunday, February 13, 2005

"Deep Thoughts By Martha"

Deep Thoughts.......................... I have been having those a lot lately. I even quoted my Pastor on the phone to my Mother this morning. I have always been an extremely emotional person. When I was younger my Brothers would say.. "ohh there she goes again with the water works". I have always felt things deeper and at a different level then most in my family and most people I know. However.. The past week I have had this new connection with those emotions. They are suddenly not so out of control and spontaneous. I am in touch with them. It's an amazing feeling.
I am what some may call a "fixer". When someone is injured it is my job to kiss it better, or tell them how to heal it faster. When someone is sick I am quick to run to the store to get medication and "mother" them well. When someone is hurting I try to offer sound advice or a resolution. So it's so hard when someone I love is hurting a deep deep hurt and I can do nothing to help them but Pray. I KNOW I should find comfort in this... And I KNOW that Praying IS doing something. BUT, what do you say when they say they are beyond Prayer? Do you pray even harder? The "fixer" in me is stumped.. The "fixer" in me is hurting for them.. The "fixer" in me is going to pray, it's all I know how to do.

My amazing Husband is having minor break through's... I am so excited. His connection to Jesus is getting louder and louder and louder. I feel he is becoming so close to accept Christ as his Savior. Tonight, we had 2 things happen that. First, I was sitting in my chair crying, tears pouring down my cheeks for my friend who is hurting. My amazing Husband got down on his knees and clasped my hands and asked me to pray with him. Then later on this evening he was telling me about his co-workers son who is very sick and has been for awhile now. He said Honey we really need to pray for him and add him to our daily prayer list.
HELLO....... My.. MY.. MY Husband just asked me to pray with him! HALLELUJAH!

Friday, February 11, 2005

Yes, I AM silly!

So, I really DID research the internet about woman and shaving. Sadly, I didn't find out exactly WHO started this trend but I did find out it dates as far back as the early 1900's. Here's a couple of websites in case your really curious!
This one actually shows a book about "the history of shaving and razors", yes you read that right an entire BOOK on it. LOL.. Now that's some serious dedication to write an entire book about shaving. Of course it's no longer in circulation so if you have your well on your way to being a collector of shaving equipment!

I had a great 4 year anniversary! Alex and I met our friend Lori and her children at McDonald's for a play date. While there a florist walked in with a GORGEOUS bouquet of flowers... FOR ME! Yes, my husband sent me flowers to McDonald's! I thought that was soo creative and sweet! The flowers are so full and just gorgeous. It has peach roses, white tea roses, purple daisies, and so much more. I was pretty excited. A great surprise! Later that night Rick, Alex and I all went to dinner and we ordered dessert to go. What was funny was while we were sitting in the restaurant our wedding song came on, Rick tried to play it off like he planned that but I knew better and we got a good laugh out of it. After Alex went to bed we shared our snicker's pie and just enjoyed having some quiet time. A GREAT end to our 4 year anniversary! I have an amazing husband!

Our Wedding Song:
I Don't Want To Miss A Thing
By: Areosmith

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
Don't want to close my eyes I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever forever and ever
Don't want to close my eyes I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
he sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
I don't want to miss a thing

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Have you ever wondered?

Have you ever wondered who it was that started this "thing" that woman shave their legs? So tonight is my anniversary and I figure I owe it to my husband to shave off the forest I have growing. BUT why must I shave and primp.. And pluck.. And wax..... To make myself feel sexy? WHO was the woman who started this trend and why? I seriously want to know why men get to keep the hair in their pitts and the hair on their legs... HELLO.. It doesn't make them sexy!!! I once dated a body builder / model and he use to shave his chest and arms. Oh wow... THAT was sexy! I liked it... Until it started to grow back! I'm not a hairy chest kinda girl... If I feel the urge to braid your chest or back hair, there's a problem!
ANYWAY... My point is.. WHY... OH WHY... Did we start this woman shaving thing? It's a pain being a woman. What she didn't think it was enough torture giving birth, now she wanted us to shave too. I SERIOUSLY would like to know when that trend got started. Wonder if I can find it on line? Things that make you go hmmmmm............

Rick better enjoy my shaved legs man.......................

Turning a corner.....

When I head to bed at night that is my quiet reflection and prayer time. This week my prayers have really intensified. My heart is just so full it is pouring over. I am enjoying praying. I am finding peace in my prayers.
Well the last several nights when I wake up (which is normal with Alex), I realize I wake up praying or singing a song I learned in Church. I never thought this would happen. My thoughts are so clear too.... It's amazing the things that happen once you find forgiveness, peace and Jesus.
There are so many little changes I have seen this week. My Sailor mouth... I suddenly find myself when I swear saying sorry and restating my words. As I find myself loosing patience I stop take a deep breath and ask Jesus to help calm my nerves before moving forward. When my blood begins to boil over the things I cannot control... The things that truly don't matter in the grand scheme of life, I am stopping it before "she blows". Baby steps.... Baby steps.. My life is improving, my marriage is improving. Life is getting better and better everyday.

Happy Anniversary to my Husband!

Today, my Husband and I have been married 4 years. Rick is an amazing man, husband and most of all Father. My son and I are beyond blessed. He is trusting, patient, kind, honest, sweet, romantic, hard-working, and loving. I am not an easy woman to live with, yet Rick loves me like I am perfect. My husband has gone way beyond the call of duty any husband has known. He has washed my hair after my foot surgery while I sat sobbing in 1 inch of water. He held me and gave me strength as my premature son was taken away to another hospital. Rick has let me sleep all night while my colicky son was up all night screaming even though he had to work the next day. He has never let me down in my hour of need and is my rock.
Rick is an INCREDIBLE Father. He is the father, I and so many others wished we had. His connection with my son is uncanny. He is a "hands on" Daddy. My son Loves him and tells everyone just that.
4 years ago today I married my soulmate and best friend! We have come so far yet I know our journey has just begun...... I cannot wait for the years to come! I Love you Rick!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

A day of catch up!

Today.. We have nothing planned! Well.. Nothing but typical house wife stuff! Laundry.. Some serious cleaning, balancing the check book and paying bills. Ahh the Joys of being the family Manager. It's funny all the things you take on when you decide to not "work" and stay home with your child. Not only are you their teacher but also their playmate, friend, Mommy. Then to take on all with "wife" roles as well! Holy Moly... I have no idea how Mom's with many kids do it.
I look around and shake my head.. I am so far behind I don't even know where to start! Well.. Only one way to find out!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Roll... Speed... Action!

This morning Alex and I went to our MOPS meeting. We played the video of the make-overs that Rick and I have been working on. It went off without a hitch! Everyone seemed really excited and pleased with the final product. I was thrilled. It always makes you feel good to know that you some how contributed. The meeting went by so fast.... It is different being behind the scenes!

Another interesting thing happened.. As more and more of the MOPS crew find out I have taken Jesus into my heart I am getting more and more hugs. Today.. I had another defining moment. Part of the leadership team came up to the sound booth where I was and asked if we all could pray really quick. I jumped at the chance. I didn't feel like running and I felt my heart swell. For those who don't know.... I always felt like praying was a very private thing.. Something I didn't share with others. When other people wanted to pray with me, I felt awkward and out of place. I wanted to turn and RUN in the other direction. As my old co-worker Michelle will tell you.. I often times did run! LOL! Now... I am excited to be included... Honored... It's as if you always have had a phone with lots of static on it so you quit using it because the static is more annoying then it's worth. Then you get a new phone and your connection is crystal clear so you run around calling everyone you have lost touch with. Well, finally my connection with Jesus is crystal clear! :)

Monday, February 07, 2005

Dunkin Donuts Rocks!!

Got a family, friend or neighbor in Iraq? Dunkin' Donuts cares about these brave individuals as much as you and I do. That is why Dunkin' Donuts is sending free coffee to our troops stationed over in Iraq.Dunkin Donuts has said "We are honored to help send a ‘taste of home’ to our troops serving overseas. In the past year, Dunkin’ Brands has shipped more than 10,000 pounds of coffee, as well as t-shirts, frisbees and other items at the request of military personnel, their families and loved ones. Our franchisees have donated an additional estimated 30,000 pounds of coffee."Dunkin' Donuts has received an overwhelming response to its 'taste of home' campaign. So in order to continue it, Dunkin' Donuts has decided to ship 50 cases of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee per month (14,400 pounds per year). We will hold a monthly lottery to randomly select 50 military members among those requests submitted. Each will receive a case of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.To submit a request, go to the Dunkin’ Donuts official website, and send an email to Dunkin’ Donuts Consumer Care, including the soldier’s name and APO address in the comment section. In the subject line, you must write “FREE COFFEE TO SOLDIERS.” We will limit the offer to those who have not previously received any coffee. Please understand that because of the volume of requests, only recipients will be notified. This will be open to any military member serving overseas.Thank you Dunkin' Donuts and its franchisees for supporting our brave men and women overseas fighting to protect our freedom.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Superbowl Sunday

oh the changes that can happen once you open up your heart! This morning at church it was as if each song was written just for me. Each word touched my heart like never before. I felt an energy..... Before I sat at church, enjoyed the music and the service but today... I FELT the music and the service. What an amazing thing!

Rick was floored as we walked in the church we kept being stopped.... Many woman from the retreat were stopping to say hello... Offering a hug.. Introducing themselves to Rick. One of the ladies brought me her own personal Christian CD and gave it to me as a gift. She said she had been listening to it the night before and she thought of me and insisted I have it. I cried... I was so touched! Rick really got into the CD too... Which put a smirk on my face! He's taking baby steps... I am so glad!

Tonight is the Superbowl party at Church! I am looking forward to going and seeing everyone in a social setting. Good food and good friends always an AWESOME combination! PLUS to make it that much better.... The NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS are going for their 3rd win in 4 years! I am so proud to be a YANKEE!!!

What an AWESOME year 2004 - The Patriots win the Superbowl and the Red Sox win the World Series!!! Can we start 2005 off the same way???

Saturday, February 05, 2005


WOW.. I had a great time at the Woman's Retreat. I felt very welcomed and it was nothing like I imagined. The woman were.... Exactly like me. They were human.. Real... Funny, caring, emotional, understanding, friendly, non-judgmental, open, honest, sensitive, and so much more. We did do the things I expected, like praying and singing but we also got really silly and did a lot of laughing. "the bad girls are on the 3rd floor" :)

They really got me thinking about my relationship with God. I was asked some very tough questions. "What do you think it means to be a Christian?", "What is it that you are wrestling with God about?", "Do you understand the Gospel?".

Some of the questions I didn't have an answers too but boy did it make me think. I was having an internal struggle. It was such an emotional weekend. It was such a turning moment for me. At one point the speaker was talking about that it was okay to "take God to the mat and wrestle with him". She said it was normal to constantly question Him... And "wrestle" with Him until you have the answers you need. Well I have been doing a LOT of wrestling. For many years now I have been trying to find my way to Jesus. NOT by having it forced down my throat as that only made me turn in the other direction. I needed to work out so many internal struggles and find answers to so many questions. This retreat gave me a chance to do that! I found answers and had such a connection with God. It rocked me.....

"IF you are NOT a believer in Jesus.. You may want to stop reading here I am about to get emotional and show you my heart!"

This afternoon... Our speaker had us each take 20 minutes or more and journal. She wanted us to think about things we have been taking God to the mat about. She said.. Just write, let it flow and don't stop until you are ready. I quickly grabbed my notebook and darted out of the room. I wanted a quiet spot, a spot where it would be just God and I. One on One, I was ready! I went outside into the glorious sun and found a quiet spot on the wall. I took numerous deep breathes and asked God if He was ready for me. Then I began to write...........................
(what you are about to read is my Moment with God, My personal reflection, my emotions. The words may not make sense to you & you may not understand them. Please know this was for me)

"My time to wrestle"
"Lord, I am sorry! I'm sorry for all of my emotion and all of who I am. I am sorry it has taken me so long to search and find you. Please dear Lord, I am down on my knees asking you to forgive all of my sins and transgressions! I realize now you have always been here for me - reaching - offering - open - waiting, waiting for me to decide. Well TODAY I am ready to love you and accept you with all that I am. You gave up so much for me, alone and now I want to say thank you. I want to continue on this journey, this search, this life with my heart full of only you Lord. Please Lord help me find forgiveness in my heart for myself. Allow me to grieve my childhood, my hurts and pains but help me to move forward and grow. Please Lord, I am down on my knees looking up to you to guide me in so many things. I want to be a better mother for my amazing son Alex. His heart is pure gold. He only knows love and purity, please help me to build on that and not crush it with my anger and resentment. Let today be my first day walking down a path of hope. Let my heart be filled with your love and patience. My Husband is an amazing and kind man. He deserves a wife full of love for all that he has done for me, Raise me up my Lord, raise me up to be the incredible wife that I know is sitting deep within me. Give me the tools to guide my husbands heart to understanding and faith. Let him take his baby steps toward acceptance in his own heart so that he can fill it with your love. Thank you Lord, for blessing me with such a wonderful gift of meeting these incredible woman here in Mississippi, MOPS, Hope Community Church, and today. I pray Lord, that they will continue to get to know me and I them. Jesus, I thank you for your ever lasting patience and love. I am Ready! Today, I accept you Jesus Christ, as my Savior. Today, I am a Christian!"

Friday, February 04, 2005

A day of fears.......

Alex and I got up early and headed out the door for a day of playing and filming make overs! I had a really good time laughing and talking with the girls while 2 of them got their hair colored, cut, and done.. then they also got their faces made up as well! After they were done.. SURPRISE.. I got my hair cut too! I was a little nervous but figure.. heck it will always grow back right? No length was taken off but lots of chunky layers that I have no clue what to do with. LOL.. Looked awesome when Cammie was done but uhh... who's going to be with me once I wash my hair. That could be the scary part. I think over all the filming went great and hopefully Rick and I will be able to piece something together and make it a fun video!

Now I am off for the night with all my butterflies in my stomache.. the Hope Community Church Ladies Retreat is calling my name. I have called Lori 10 times wanting to make SURE she will meet me there so I won't feel like a total looser walking in all alone and not knowing a soul. Lori totally clueless has become my rock. I feel God calling me to her, to lean on her and look for friendship. She has a spirit that radiates thru her smile. She literally glows! It seems like no matter what kind of day she is having, she is always ready to listen... to stop her world and have a laugh with me. In this crazy place they call Columbus, Mississippi I am forever greatful. I have found that yes... even here I can find friends, laughter and smiles.

I am heading out the door with a thousand unanswered questions... will I be liked? Will everyone see my sins? Will I stick out? What if they know I haven't connected with God yet, will they kick me out? What if I am bored out of my mind? What if they make me sleep in the same bed as some girl I don't know? My worst question drilling the pit of my stomache is... what if I reach out to God and he rejects me becuase of my scars, my sins, my life? Only one way to find out... so I am stretching and taking a BIG leap into the unknown!

Does a new DO = a New You?

I just got back from filming the Mops Extreme Make over story! It was a lot of fun! We did 2 ladies and one was in such dire need for it! Both ladies got highlights, haircuts, color, make up, and new clothes. At the end they were both just glowing with really big smiles. It was so nice to be able to brighten both of their days. Now.. it's time to start editing my filming. OH! I forgot to mention I got a mini make over too! The hairdresser cut my hair into spikey layers, I love it but am totally unsure I will be able to do it again myself. It's really cute though.

I was invited to join a woman's bible study on Monday mornings. I am very nervous as I have never gone to one before BUT.. it's all about becoming a better wife which is something I need to really work on. Hopefully this will help me find peace in all we have lost as a couple and find our common ground again. I miss my husband.

Tonight I am off to the Ladies retreat hopefully to have some laughs, bond and some quiet me time. I need to sit back and quietly reflect on life and all mine entails. Where is my next step? What am I reaching for? Where do I want this life to go?

The sun is shining again and I feel empowered....

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Sleep.. Glorious Sleep!

Ahhh and the sleep God's found me! What a relief! Alex is doing much better today. He is still having a lot of congestion in his chest but he finally rested easy last night only waking a few times. Rick stayed with him and let me get some sleep. I had such a hard time falling asleep as I think I was over tired and couldn't shut my brain off or relax. However, Once I finally let go I was in a hard sleep full of all sorts of long drawn out dreams. That's my favorite type of sleep! I am feeling fully rested today and ready to start my day and catch up on all that has been fading during this illness. Alex is up and playing which is so nice to see, I was starting to think I would have a 2 year old permanently attached to my chest for the rest of my days. LOL! I am praying the ENT says no more shots today! I have to call them soon and see what he says.

Tomorrow is a busy day! I am filming the make over story for my MOPS group. 2 girls were chosen to get full make overs. We have gotten numerous companies to sponsor us and give free merchandise. I am filming the entire thing and then this weekend Rick and I will edit it and make it into a MOPS movie. The movie will then be shown at the next MOPS meeting. This is my first major MOPS involvement besides just attending the meetings. I was personally asked as well which makes me nervous and excited all at the same time. I am praying God can help me relax and do the best job I can.

The laundry pile is calling my name.... So I am off!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Another Day, Another Shot

Well, Alex finally seems to be on the road to recovery. I am still unable to convince him to take his antibiotic by mouth so it's off we go for another shot. He's not happy about it and honestly neither am I. I feel like I am torturing him although I know it's in his best interest to get better. His nose is still draining and he also has alot of congestion in his chest. I am praying he is alot better by weeks end.
Sleep... uhh.. whats sleep? Another restless night for us here! It rained all night so at least that was nice to listen too. I am exhausted today though. I swear if Rick asks me one more time if I am going to be all right I may be forced to put masking tape over his mouth. What am I going to say no? Of COURSE I am going to be all right. I am a Mom, it's my job. I have no choice but to pull up my big girl panties and make it happen. He just doesn't get how annoying that question is.

On a NICE note... Lori came over last night (she is the MOPS leader) and brought my sick family dinner. We had salad, garlic bread, lasagna, and even dessert. I was floored how much she went out of her way for us. I was so touched. I really appreciated it as well. She also invited me to the Ladies retreat this weekend. I am trying to figure out if I can make it work but I am hoping to go. I have never done anything like that before and I am actually kinda shy when it comes to new things like that. I am new to the church and slowly finding my path to God.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

I'm here

Well... I'm here! It's started.. my own personal journal! Today is Tuesday, February 1, 2005. Alex is sicker than a dog with a terrible cold his Paw Paw left him as a parting gift when he left. I am certain there will be better gifts in life than this. Yesterday we saw the ENT who gave him a shot of antibiotics. Today we go back in for another one and every day after until we see improvement. It was another sleepless night for us here. I know the lack of sleep is starting to wear on my marrage. Our 4th anniversary is in 9 days now... and we have no plans! Maybe Alex will gift us with sleep?

Let the day begin.............