Wrestling

WOW.. I had a great time at the Woman's Retreat. I felt very welcomed and it was nothing like I imagined. The woman were.... Exactly like me. They were human.. Real... Funny, caring, emotional, understanding, friendly, non-judgmental, open, honest, sensitive, and so much more. We did do the things I expected, like praying and singing but we also got really silly and did a lot of laughing. "the bad girls are on the 3rd floor" :)

They really got me thinking about my relationship with God. I was asked some very tough questions. "What do you think it means to be a Christian?", "What is it that you are wrestling with God about?", "Do you understand the Gospel?".

Some of the questions I didn't have an answers too but boy did it make me think. I was having an internal struggle. It was such an emotional weekend. It was such a turning moment for me. At one point the speaker was talking about that it was okay to "take God to the mat and wrestle with him". She said it was normal to constantly question Him... And "wrestle" with Him until you have the answers you need. Well I have been doing a LOT of wrestling. For many years now I have been trying to find my way to Jesus. NOT by having it forced down my throat as that only made me turn in the other direction. I needed to work out so many internal struggles and find answers to so many questions. This retreat gave me a chance to do that! I found answers and had such a connection with God. It rocked me.....

"IF you are NOT a believer in Jesus.. You may want to stop reading here I am about to get emotional and show you my heart!"

This afternoon... Our speaker had us each take 20 minutes or more and journal. She wanted us to think about things we have been taking God to the mat about. She said.. Just write, let it flow and don't stop until you are ready. I quickly grabbed my notebook and darted out of the room. I wanted a quiet spot, a spot where it would be just God and I. One on One, I was ready! I went outside into the glorious sun and found a quiet spot on the wall. I took numerous deep breathes and asked God if He was ready for me. Then I began to write...........................

(what you are about to read is my Moment with God, My personal reflection, my emotions. The words may not make sense to you & you may not understand them. Please know this was for me)

"My time to wrestle"

"Lord, I am sorry! I'm sorry for all of my emotion and all of who I am. I am sorry it has taken me so long to search and find you. Please dear Lord, I am down on my knees asking you to forgive all of my sins and transgressions! I realize now you have always been here for me - reaching - offering - open - waiting, waiting for me to decide. Well TODAY I am ready to love you and accept you with all that I am. You gave up so much for me, alone and now I want to say thank you. I want to continue on this journey, this search, this life with my heart full of only you Lord. Please Lord help me find forgiveness in my heart for myself. Allow me to grieve my childhood, my hurts and pains but help me to move forward and grow. Please Lord, I am down on my knees looking up to you to guide me in so many things. I want to be a better mother for my amazing son Alex. His heart is pure gold. He only knows love and purity, please help me to build on that and not crush it with my anger and resentment. Let today be my first day walking down a path of hope. Let my heart be filled with your love and patience. My Husband is an amazing and kind man. He deserves a wife full of love for all that he has done for me, Raise me up my Lord, raise me up to be the incredible wife that I know is sitting deep within me. Give me the tools to guide my husbands heart to understanding and faith. Let him take his baby steps toward acceptance in his own heart so that he can fill it with your love. Thank you Lord, for blessing me with such a wonderful gift of meeting these incredible woman here in Mississippi, MOPS, Hope Community Church, and today. I pray Lord, that they will continue to get to know me and I them. Jesus, I thank you for your ever lasting patience and love. I am Ready! Today, I accept you Jesus Christ, as my Savior. Today, I am a Christian!"